Left Behind
Have you ever had a dream that totally made you re-evaluate yourself and take a close examination of your spiritual man? I dreamed last night that the rapture took place and I had been left behind. Even a dear friend, who I know is saved also was left behind. My kids were gone, my husband, mother and millions were all taken and yet, here I was in disbelief sitting in awe. I was so shaken. I know that Jesus is my savior and I know that in the event of the rapture, that I would go. It was just the fact that I had been left behind in my dream did I feel the need to examine my spirit man. Taking a close look at yourself in finding those secret sins, things you let yourself go on..back biting, backstabbing, gossip, anything…that might hinder your walk with God and not bring him glory. Well, needless to say, I was up in the wee hours of the morning, praying. Really praying to my heavenly father asking for forgiveness in places I failed. Asking to help me turn those areas around in my life that need help. Praying that He would make me a willing vessel in the places that I lack will, such as consistency in reading His word, in prayer and helping those in need.
I realize that I am a fake in so many areas of my life that I need God’s righteousness instead of my own haughtiness. Seeing the truth of myself is not a pretty thing that I care to acknowledge but a must in order to be clean and whole before God. I am not talking about self-condemnation but seeing me for the truth in order to let God clean me up. I go to Him as I am and He in His great loving kindness accepts me as I am and does a thorough cleaning in the way that only He can do. I am far from perfect and I never will be humanly. God is good and his mercy endures forever.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Broken
An overwhelming sense of loss crowds the right thinking of my mind. Though not in death, still there is a loss. It’s a loss of a friend, a confident, and a mom’s heart. There is a resemblance of a familiar picture with difference in character. A visual familiar stranger has overtaken all that is familiar in character. I look and recognize the outward image but I don’t recognize the inward image. My heart pounds with panic and I want to run. Run from the emotions that I am ashamed of. Blame and anger towards her fill me and yet I know with every part of me that it really isn’t her fault. She can’t help it. She wouldn’t have chosen this. Leaving this early in life in mind wasn’t part of her plan. The thought of not getting to know or forgetting the new little one is so devastating that the wholeness of me is shattered. So many times I question WHY? Even though I know I am fortunate to have had her for 40 years of my life. I tell myself that others have had their mothers for a lot less time. Yet the comfort that it should bring me doesn’t come. I am selfish because I want her. The person she once was. Now, only in body do I have her but not in mind. Only glimpses of her remain. Her eyes still light up around the babies. Yet a decisive defensiveness appears when I am near. While having an extremely bad day, I was deemed a granddaughter, even though I am her daughter. The cruelty of the illness is a bitter sting to my heart. I hate with all my heart the labels of Alzheimer’s and Dementia. Such a mean illness made worse with an early onset. She should be full of life. She should be enjoying her grandchildren. We should be planning trips and spending time together. How I long to snatch back times of the past to be carefree with her again. Enjoying life with her was a prime part of my life. I have seen the light of all she liked to do, fade out at a speed in which a light bulb burns out. Time that can’t be stopped or recaptured is all gone. I miss her more than she’ll ever know. I miss her with such deep longing that my heart aches from brokenness. I know where my strength lies and I look to God for help. I know I can’t make it through this deep valley alone. I want Him to carry me because I feel that my legs fail me. I feel like I will fall where I stand. I see in my weakness and weariness that God is truth and that He is the only way of survival. Even though my mom may forget me in time, her heart will always remember and one day, when we are standing in heaven together, we’ll rejoice in our reunion.
An overwhelming sense of loss crowds the right thinking of my mind. Though not in death, still there is a loss. It’s a loss of a friend, a confident, and a mom’s heart. There is a resemblance of a familiar picture with difference in character. A visual familiar stranger has overtaken all that is familiar in character. I look and recognize the outward image but I don’t recognize the inward image. My heart pounds with panic and I want to run. Run from the emotions that I am ashamed of. Blame and anger towards her fill me and yet I know with every part of me that it really isn’t her fault. She can’t help it. She wouldn’t have chosen this. Leaving this early in life in mind wasn’t part of her plan. The thought of not getting to know or forgetting the new little one is so devastating that the wholeness of me is shattered. So many times I question WHY? Even though I know I am fortunate to have had her for 40 years of my life. I tell myself that others have had their mothers for a lot less time. Yet the comfort that it should bring me doesn’t come. I am selfish because I want her. The person she once was. Now, only in body do I have her but not in mind. Only glimpses of her remain. Her eyes still light up around the babies. Yet a decisive defensiveness appears when I am near. While having an extremely bad day, I was deemed a granddaughter, even though I am her daughter. The cruelty of the illness is a bitter sting to my heart. I hate with all my heart the labels of Alzheimer’s and Dementia. Such a mean illness made worse with an early onset. She should be full of life. She should be enjoying her grandchildren. We should be planning trips and spending time together. How I long to snatch back times of the past to be carefree with her again. Enjoying life with her was a prime part of my life. I have seen the light of all she liked to do, fade out at a speed in which a light bulb burns out. Time that can’t be stopped or recaptured is all gone. I miss her more than she’ll ever know. I miss her with such deep longing that my heart aches from brokenness. I know where my strength lies and I look to God for help. I know I can’t make it through this deep valley alone. I want Him to carry me because I feel that my legs fail me. I feel like I will fall where I stand. I see in my weakness and weariness that God is truth and that He is the only way of survival. Even though my mom may forget me in time, her heart will always remember and one day, when we are standing in heaven together, we’ll rejoice in our reunion.
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