Broken
An overwhelming sense of loss crowds the right thinking of my mind. Though not in death, still there is a loss. It’s a loss of a friend, a confident, and a mom’s heart. There is a resemblance of a familiar picture with difference in character. A visual familiar stranger has overtaken all that is familiar in character. I look and recognize the outward image but I don’t recognize the inward image. My heart pounds with panic and I want to run. Run from the emotions that I am ashamed of. Blame and anger towards her fill me and yet I know with every part of me that it really isn’t her fault. She can’t help it. She wouldn’t have chosen this. Leaving this early in life in mind wasn’t part of her plan. The thought of not getting to know or forgetting the new little one is so devastating that the wholeness of me is shattered. So many times I question WHY? Even though I know I am fortunate to have had her for 40 years of my life. I tell myself that others have had their mothers for a lot less time. Yet the comfort that it should bring me doesn’t come. I am selfish because I want her. The person she once was. Now, only in body do I have her but not in mind. Only glimpses of her remain. Her eyes still light up around the babies. Yet a decisive defensiveness appears when I am near. While having an extremely bad day, I was deemed a granddaughter, even though I am her daughter. The cruelty of the illness is a bitter sting to my heart. I hate with all my heart the labels of Alzheimer’s and Dementia. Such a mean illness made worse with an early onset. She should be full of life. She should be enjoying her grandchildren. We should be planning trips and spending time together. How I long to snatch back times of the past to be carefree with her again. Enjoying life with her was a prime part of my life. I have seen the light of all she liked to do, fade out at a speed in which a light bulb burns out. Time that can’t be stopped or recaptured is all gone. I miss her more than she’ll ever know. I miss her with such deep longing that my heart aches from brokenness. I know where my strength lies and I look to God for help. I know I can’t make it through this deep valley alone. I want Him to carry me because I feel that my legs fail me. I feel like I will fall where I stand. I see in my weakness and weariness that God is truth and that He is the only way of survival. Even though my mom may forget me in time, her heart will always remember and one day, when we are standing in heaven together, we’ll rejoice in our reunion.
An overwhelming sense of loss crowds the right thinking of my mind. Though not in death, still there is a loss. It’s a loss of a friend, a confident, and a mom’s heart. There is a resemblance of a familiar picture with difference in character. A visual familiar stranger has overtaken all that is familiar in character. I look and recognize the outward image but I don’t recognize the inward image. My heart pounds with panic and I want to run. Run from the emotions that I am ashamed of. Blame and anger towards her fill me and yet I know with every part of me that it really isn’t her fault. She can’t help it. She wouldn’t have chosen this. Leaving this early in life in mind wasn’t part of her plan. The thought of not getting to know or forgetting the new little one is so devastating that the wholeness of me is shattered. So many times I question WHY? Even though I know I am fortunate to have had her for 40 years of my life. I tell myself that others have had their mothers for a lot less time. Yet the comfort that it should bring me doesn’t come. I am selfish because I want her. The person she once was. Now, only in body do I have her but not in mind. Only glimpses of her remain. Her eyes still light up around the babies. Yet a decisive defensiveness appears when I am near. While having an extremely bad day, I was deemed a granddaughter, even though I am her daughter. The cruelty of the illness is a bitter sting to my heart. I hate with all my heart the labels of Alzheimer’s and Dementia. Such a mean illness made worse with an early onset. She should be full of life. She should be enjoying her grandchildren. We should be planning trips and spending time together. How I long to snatch back times of the past to be carefree with her again. Enjoying life with her was a prime part of my life. I have seen the light of all she liked to do, fade out at a speed in which a light bulb burns out. Time that can’t be stopped or recaptured is all gone. I miss her more than she’ll ever know. I miss her with such deep longing that my heart aches from brokenness. I know where my strength lies and I look to God for help. I know I can’t make it through this deep valley alone. I want Him to carry me because I feel that my legs fail me. I feel like I will fall where I stand. I see in my weakness and weariness that God is truth and that He is the only way of survival. Even though my mom may forget me in time, her heart will always remember and one day, when we are standing in heaven together, we’ll rejoice in our reunion.
1 comment:
Sandi, that is incredibly painful for you, I am so sorry. I agree, what a terrible thing to go through.
Good for you to remember the positive memories of your mom, and to look forward to that day in heaven when we'll all be made whole again. God bless you with peace.
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