toys....

I walk through the living room and it is laced with toys. They are tossed about once done being played with. I walk to the kitchen and what do I find? More toys. Chase's room is full of toys, my bedroom has toys and both bathrooms have bath toys. I am overjoyed to see those toys because it means that LIFE is running through my home. Those lives mean the world to me. I don't care that my house is a wreck with toys that are tossed about. I am glad that they are here and there. I am tempted to get down and play with the toys myself. I am grateful for what those toys bring to my life.

Kids...

It is amazing to me how time passes so quickly. It amazes me that 4 years can come and go and change has taken place. My big boy is now 4 and my big girl is now a year old. My heart holds them so dear and precious. I love my babies more than words and life could say. They are my treasures to be treasured.

Left Behind

Have you ever had a dream that totally made you re-evaluate yourself and take a close examination of your spiritual man? I dreamed last night that the rapture took place and I had been left behind. Even a dear friend, who I know is saved also was left behind. My kids were gone, my husband, mother and millions were all taken and yet, here I was in disbelief sitting in awe. I was so shaken. I know that Jesus is my savior and I know that in the event of the rapture, that I would go. It was just the fact that I had been left behind in my dream did I feel the need to examine my spirit man. Taking a close look at yourself in finding those secret sins, things you let yourself go on..back biting, backstabbing, gossip, anything…that might hinder your walk with God and not bring him glory. Well, needless to say, I was up in the wee hours of the morning, praying. Really praying to my heavenly father asking for forgiveness in places I failed. Asking to help me turn those areas around in my life that need help. Praying that He would make me a willing vessel in the places that I lack will, such as consistency in reading His word, in prayer and helping those in need.
I realize that I am a fake in so many areas of my life that I need God’s righteousness instead of my own haughtiness. Seeing the truth of myself is not a pretty thing that I care to acknowledge but a must in order to be clean and whole before God. I am not talking about self-condemnation but seeing me for the truth in order to let God clean me up. I go to Him as I am and He in His great loving kindness accepts me as I am and does a thorough cleaning in the way that only He can do. I am far from perfect and I never will be humanly. God is good and his mercy endures forever.

Broken

An overwhelming sense of loss crowds the right thinking of my mind. Though not in death, still there is a loss. It’s a loss of a friend, a confident, and a mom’s heart. There is a resemblance of a familiar picture with difference in character. A visual familiar stranger has overtaken all that is familiar in character. I look and recognize the outward image but I don’t recognize the inward image. My heart pounds with panic and I want to run. Run from the emotions that I am ashamed of. Blame and anger towards her fill me and yet I know with every part of me that it really isn’t her fault. She can’t help it. She wouldn’t have chosen this. Leaving this early in life in mind wasn’t part of her plan. The thought of not getting to know or forgetting the new little one is so devastating that the wholeness of me is shattered. So many times I question WHY? Even though I know I am fortunate to have had her for 40 years of my life. I tell myself that others have had their mothers for a lot less time. Yet the comfort that it should bring me doesn’t come. I am selfish because I want her. The person she once was. Now, only in body do I have her but not in mind. Only glimpses of her remain. Her eyes still light up around the babies. Yet a decisive defensiveness appears when I am near. While having an extremely bad day, I was deemed a granddaughter, even though I am her daughter. The cruelty of the illness is a bitter sting to my heart. I hate with all my heart the labels of Alzheimer’s and Dementia. Such a mean illness made worse with an early onset. She should be full of life. She should be enjoying her grandchildren. We should be planning trips and spending time together. How I long to snatch back times of the past to be carefree with her again. Enjoying life with her was a prime part of my life. I have seen the light of all she liked to do, fade out at a speed in which a light bulb burns out. Time that can’t be stopped or recaptured is all gone. I miss her more than she’ll ever know. I miss her with such deep longing that my heart aches from brokenness. I know where my strength lies and I look to God for help. I know I can’t make it through this deep valley alone. I want Him to carry me because I feel that my legs fail me. I feel like I will fall where I stand. I see in my weakness and weariness that God is truth and that He is the only way of survival. Even though my mom may forget me in time, her heart will always remember and one day, when we are standing in heaven together, we’ll rejoice in our reunion.

The blessing...

Just started reading this book "The Blessing". I so relate to it. For so long you yearn to be accepted and loved by people...having a blessing from your parents help get you there...however, if your parents weren't and aren't christians...missing out on a blessing can sure have a harsh effect on you with your relationships with others...and acceptance of yourself...I so recommend the book.

Favorite childhood memory

We went to visit Ashley the other night. We started to talk about childhood memories. I asked her what was her favorite childhood memory. She just shrugged her sholders and that was the end of it. Two days later, I was sitting at work and I received an email from Ashley. Apparently she had been thinking about it. Here is her email below. IT MADE ME CRY. I feel loved.

I thought about it, and my best memory isn’t just one. It’s many. It’s the fact of waking up, and always knowing that you would be there to help me make my new adventure for my day. It was knowing that you would always kiss my cuts and boo boos. Knowing that you would take care of me, and having complete child like faith in you. My favorite part of being little was having you as a best friend to play barbies, house, Mary and Sarah, playdough, puzzles, movies, hide and seek, the park, lake, and whatever else we could come up with to do. Knowing that you would pick me up from school, and start making dinner.

Sneaking me out of bed to the back room to watch a lifetime movie I really had to see, when dad was asleep. Having lullabies sung to me when I couldn’t sleep. Going to mother neff pretending to be Indians. Going to grandma’s to swim, and eat Mexican food. Going on mommy daughter dates where it was just you and me. Eating chocolate pudding while watch PJ sparkles. Making you watch me react PJ sparkles for you. Making you watch all my dances that I made up. Making you do just about everything that needed an audience.

Playing Miss Boss Mama. Trying to get the ball away from Shorty. Taking Shorty for rides in the car. Having you there to calm me down when shorty go hit by the bus. I remember when I looked all over the house because you promised that if I found a dollar you would take me to the lake. And then when I did, you had to keep your promise. Playing Mermaids. You listening to my pointless chatter.

When we would play the “would you love me if I was” game. Going to church, and getting dressed in my dressed and big girl shoes. Going to Kiddieland. Whenever we would go to the doctor and I would get a shot, you would tell me you would beat up the nurse or get Grandma to sick them. Our trips with me you and Grandma to Mathis. How we made fun of how many dogs grandma would get each time she got a new one. How you would get crunk on teachers if they messed with your baby girl. How we would hide in the closet or pretend to be asleep when daddy came home from work.

You went to all of my school recitals. You never missed on. You ordered every school picture, yearbook, and phone directory. My first and last slumber party was all up to you to host. The first time you introduce me to silly puddy. How we always used to go to the Corner Store and got candy after school. When we got pickles, we both agreed speegleville store had the best, and I always had to measure the pickles to get the biggest one.

I remember a lot about my child hood. I miss it, and I miss the fun we used to have when I was little.

I love you

Ashley Hill

Premier Solutions Division

A little behind....

I haven't posted anything for the month of JUNE. There has just been so much going on that I haven't even taken the time.

I find I am going to be a grandma in January of 2011. My daughter is pregnant. She has had some issues with urinary tract infection. Now that it is under control, I pray the rest of the pregnancy goes smoothly. I am thrilled but at the same time feel a little young to be a grandma. I'll get over it.

Chase has been going through potty training. He is doing a wonderful job. We have peeing down it is just getting him to poop.

Chad, my husband is good. He is busy as ever. It seems we stay on the move constantly. Work has picked up temporarily (I HOPE IT LAST OR EVEN GOES BACK TO NORMAL).

We got a new edition to the family. He is a little tom cat, named SPROUT> He is such a playful thing that he gets rather annoying at times. He doesn't mean to be rough but for goodness sakes..>He is a terrorist. He strikes when you least expect it!

My mom is doing ok. She has been diagnosed a couple of years back with Alzheimer's and dementia. She has good days and bad. She seems to have a whole different personality. More mild than anything. She loves to go garage selling although it can be confusing for her at times in dealing with money. I do help her but let her do most of the handling as to give her dignity.
She is still the best mom in the world that ANY kid would be lucky to have!

Well, this doesn't begin to cover all our happenings but it is a tidbit. Until next post..GOD BLESS

Irony! Local zoo complains about ANIMALS

I just read an article in the local paper. The local zoo is complaining about buzzards. The buzzards are tearing up one of their roofs. COMPLETELY not just in portions. So they have been granted $344,000 in funds to help solve this problem with a different material to maintain a good roof! Hmmmm...I guess they are a little buzzed off!

getting ready for graduation....

Excited cannot express the feelings I have inside. I am so proud and so full of emotion I fear I will make an idiot of myself. That is ok by me. Ashley has one meeting to attend on May 14 at Midway High School. Her graduation is on June 4th. What can I truly say?! I am proud.

What my Mom is to me

What my Mom is to me

The Bible says children are a gift from God and I know that this is true However, I must say that my mom to me is one of the greatest gifts God ever gave me. She is my gift, a treasure among treasures. She is a most prized gift that I now often admire. Because my gift showed me love, I now know how to give love to my children. Because my gift showed me affection, I now know how to hug my children and kiss their cheeks. Because my gift sacrificed to make certain that I had what I needed, I now know how to give willingly to ensure my children are taken care of. Because my gift gave me comfort, I now know how to hold my children and help them through their troubles. Because my gift fought furiously to protect me and although the outcome may not have been in her favor, I now know how to fight to protect my children and realize that the outcome may not be in my favor. Through the earlier years, I have taken advantage of my precious gift and took for granted that this gift would last forever. So many times, I neglected to handle my gift with love or thankfulness. For all that I received from my gift, I seemed to have just expected this gift to be there, ready and available. I never anticipated the wear of time that would take its toll on my gift. I never noticed the little wrinkles or faded parts on my gift while time passed. Now, as I look at my gift with renewed eyes, I know that I would never have been the person I am had I never received her. I just want to take a minute to say Lord, Thank you for my mom. Thank you for her life and all that she is. Thank you for allowing her to be my mom to be loved and to be lent to her. She taught me about you and your Son, Jesus. She taught me how to cry out to you and trust you in faith and prayer. She showed me with her life how a mother’s heart reached out to those who had no mother. She is an irreplaceable jewel to my heart. Lord, Thank you for my mom.

Friends From Alaska

Friends from Alaska…

A few years back, I had the pleasure of meeting the most wonderful people from Alaska, Connie and Doug VanWingerden. They are a marvelous couple with a terrific family. We had the pleasure of staying with them for a week. We did so many fun things and learned so much from them. They are such a true blessing to me. They took vacation time this April to pass through the southern states; they decided to make Waco one of their stops. We actually met for lunch at one of my favorite restaurants, Casa Ole. It was such a lovely visit and it was so good to see them. I told my friends they were such brave souls traveling the south during our severe weather time. She said “We didn’t know!” HAHA. I also had the opportunity in making a new friend. One of Connie’s internet friends, her name is Connie also. She drove down from Denton, originally from the St. Louis area, to see Connie and Doug. We had an amazing time. The trip was not without souvenirs. I also received jelly made from Alaska’s own berries. One flavor is Currant Jelly and Fireweed. It looks a lot like breakfast at home with toast or biscuits this weekend!

School is done

Ashley has finally finished school!!!!...I am so proud and relieved. all I can say is Shhhoooooo!

mom...

My mom seems to be turning worse. She seems more and more so child like. She blurted out during dinner one night to me that she feels lost in her own home. She said "Sometimes I am at home and I feel like I don't know where I am and I am just there, It scares me and it is weird, so I talk to my puppies". She doesn't remember how to get to simple places that she has been a hundred times. She seems to be losing understanding in simple questions, comments, instructions and statements. She seemed to be doing well on her vitamin suppliment but it seems to be fading in progress. I talked to my dad about what we need to do next. He and she have both been turned down for disabilities for army and social security. She has also been turned down for Medicaid. We are trying both avenues AGAIN. We are not going to give up. I am going to have to take her again to the doctor. The doctor I take her to is SO THOROUGH and I don't want to take her elsewhere but I may have to due to the prices and my mom not having insurance. I need guidance at this point in Wisdom in choosing the right doctor. Someone even said that if we could not afford medication, that we could call some manufacturerers of meds and they may be willing to send a few months free. It is worth a try. I will start my doctor search this week.

My wonderful Boss

My wonderful boss/CEO passed away on February 23rd. I am not sure what happened as we were not given great detail other than he had some kidney issues. My boss was such a wonderful unique man. Jim was a man full of great vision full of generosity and love for people. He encouraged people to set goals and accomplish dreams. He pushed believing in yourself because he felt you were worth believing in. He encouraged you to rid anything and anyone that had a negative impact or influence on you. He was such a down to earth man always willing to sit and chat with you like he had known you your whole life. He was so good at what he did because he believed in his purpose. He was such and accomplished man and he will be so missed. I thank God for having the opportunity in knowing him.

Fairy Tale land

Vice President Joe Biden and Ex Vice President Dick Cheney were having a debate and one of the things that came up was Terrorist attacks. VP Joe Biden stated that he did not believe that the US was susceptible to another attack as great as 9/11 due to Homeland security and how much they put into it. ??? COME ON! I don’t care how much you put into homeland security that does not prove that an attack as big as 9/11 OR EVEN bigger cannot occur! WHY LIE TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE…WE ARE NOT THAT STUPID! We know that our enemies could be sitting RIGHT next to us. We have NO idea what kind of attack they are thinking about next..NOT REALLY. We have ideas of certain attacks that can be brought against us but we truly do not know our enemies minds. I may not agree with everything Ex VP Dick Cheney says, But I certainly agree that an attack to the extent of 9/11 or greater is possible. To believe otherwise is a fairy tale! This is the kind of person we have in office. One who thinks we are prepared. If there is anything the American people have learned is when you think you are prepared, you’re not. By the grace of God, I pray there is never an attack to the magnitude of 9/11. I pray there is none greater. We know what the Bible says of wars and rumor of wars. We saw in history pass in the Bible of the battles fought. We saw the raids of nation against nation. HOW COMPLETELY IGNORANT of Joe Biden to make such a statement. It is FAIRY TALE LAND living for him.

Cold, wet rain...

Cold wet rain might turn to snow today. Like a kid waiting in anticipation. I would rather have the snowflakes than getting soaked with the rain while it is 35 out side. I would love to take Chase out in snow just to see his reaction! SMILE>

sorrow runs deep...

Today I spent the afternoon with my mom. We had a great time. We took in a movie and enjoyed one another's company. I noticed how much my mom has changed today. Her confidence is not where it use to be. She seems more hesitant and child like in things. I find myself longing for my old mom. She is more quiet and inward. She never use to be. She use to enjoy life and people. I enjoy my mom but I miss my mom the way she use to be. I grieve for the loss of my "old" mom, the way she use to be. I have deep sorrow at the way things are moving towards a future for her life and selfishly mine too. Night time is so hard for me lately. I think often of everything. Things that happened over the last year and my heart weeps within me. I try hard not to sound depressing and I do try to trust God. I really try to trust God. Sometimes I am strong and other times I feel like I will fall apart. Some nights the sorrow runs deep.

today is the day...

We are watching the football games to see who goes to the super bowl. I hope the Colts go. I really want the Vikings to go also but since the Saints haven't gone I wouldn't mind if they went. Oh well, we will know by today's end. GO COLTS, GO VIKINGS, GO SAINTS...(Dumb I know)
When it comes down to it, I do hope the Colts and Vikings are squaring off. Manning and Favre are my favorite! OVER ALL CHOICE...FAVRE...Sorry but I have to be loyal. Well, I guess we will know later on tonight! Today is the day! (As I read over this, I am reminded of the dumb stuff you write in High School! This sounds so much like one of those dumb things)

filing income tax

Agggg...the task of filing income tax can be a happy event or a disappointing event. To say the least, today was very frustrating. Chad decided to do our income tax on line through Turbo Tax. The result was disappointing compared to last year. Last year was a GET UP AND SHOUT kind of year! This year was a OMGoodness...your kidding right?! I have to say the difference was MAJOR. It isn't that we filed differently or changed anything, the difference came with changes in the rules and laws. We decided to go to a tax place to verify that we truly did not mess up in filing. Sure enough...we hadn't. HOWEVER, one new law allowed us to add in an itemization which allowed a tiny bit more to the already LOW amount. I am grateful at all that we are getting something back. This will help in bills of course. Chad already has planned on what bills it goes to. Needless to say, we didn't file with the tax place due to their OUTRAGES FEES...we came home, and completed the Tax Turbo filing since it matched with the tax peoples total. Another year DONE! No Worries!

Staying home...

My son, Chase, has been sick with an upper respiratory infection. I am sure he caught it from daycare. Some of the kids in his class had already been diagnosed and even one with RSV. I decided that Chase needed a doctor visit and a little R&R with mom. He had been running fever and the daycare rules..NO FEVER FOR 24 HOURS...A good rule, so it left me with the opportunity of staying home with him for the day. I have to tell you! I LOVED IT. This is something I wish I could do permanently and still be able to afford our bills. Chase and I had the best time. We played with his puzzles NUMEROUS times throughout the day. We played with his toys, watched a preschool channel and it was so nice and warm, I even got to take him outside TWICE..once in mid morning and then after his nap in the afternoon! Did I mention that I was able to take a nap too?! I was able to wash and fold laundry, sweep my floors, do the dishes, and make supper EARLY. Grant it, I think I cleaned the living room three times picking up toys and Chase did it twice himself. After the third time, I deemed it hopless until bed time. I even gave Chase a bath after playing outside the second time. IT WAS MARVELOUS. I moved more at home than I do at work. My job is a demanding sit down job and I must say I TRULY FEEL TIRED tonight. Not just mentally but PHYSICALLY. I absolutely loved staying home. Now I just pray to win the Publishers Clearing House sweepstakes so I can stay home!!