Just standing...

I know that thousands of people deal with this every day and yet I feel alone and isolated. The diagnosis for my mom is early stages of Alzheimer’s and mild to moderate dementia. I have read some disturbing facts online and I guess I really didn’t want to know the facts. I feel stricken with grief and sadness. I feel a weakness in my body that leaves me nauseous. I feel loss in my life already.

The fact sheet:
1. 5.3 million People in the US are living with Alzheimer’s.
2. 3x Alzheimer’s and dementia triple healthcare costs for Americans 65+ (my mom isn’t even 59 yet).
3. Every 70 seconds, someone develops Alzheimer’s
4. Alzheimer’s costs more than $148 billion each year to Medicare, Medicaid and businesses.
5. Alzheimer’s disease is 100% always fatal.

Courtesy of Facts & Figures – Action Alz



I feel so sick inside, lost. There is so much emotion and anxiety that I am feeling. There is an inside imploding taking place and I feel it is just going to burst through to an outside appearance any time now. At this point, I can’t imagine life without my mom. Yes, I know it could be years but it could also be months. I pray for years. I honestly pray for healing instead.

I know I will have to deal with this head on. As of right now, I haven’t told my mom the results of the Doctor’s diagnosis. I don’t know if I will ever tell her. My dad knows and he hasn’t told her either. I have to make an appointment with the doctor to see what we need to do next. Since there is no insurance, it is so expensive. I am trying to see if my mom will qualify for Medicare before we do anything else. I am waiting for an insurance application by mail that hasn’t come yet. I may have to just go down to SS office and see if I can get one physically.

I pray that my heart can keep it together with wise decisions and choices. It seems that unless I do anything, no one else will move. My dad seems to make no effort in getting my mom help. He says he is so concerned, more so than us kids but I am having a hard time believing him. I think that he thinks, if he ignores it, the problem doesn’t exist. My brothers don’t know what to do either. They are looking for answers and I don’t have any myself. I feel a big strain even in home life. So many of the plans we have made or planned have now changed. I just want to survive the storm with my family intact. I don’t want to argue or split apart. I want to wish everything alright. I know I have to trust God and truly lean on Him. So why do I feel so human in my emotions? It is like an untamed ocean raging. Sometimes, I feel like I have to keep what I feel inside for the fear of annoying those around me. All I want to do is just stand. All I am going to do is stand.